We are defined by the things we love. Ofocurse id told you once and i think all of us actually believe that love isnt hte only things tha defines us .. but to get the true measure of a man ... love may really be the biggest hint at showing who he really is.

In my life I have loved many people .. friends .. family and otherwise. We all go through the things im talking of here and in these journeys of life i have fallen for a girl once whom i did love ... maybe not in the purest sense in which we understand ... but maybe just in a way where i wanted to help her and be there for her whenver she needed anything .. its about her that this book screamed about in its opening act and she is maybe the most recurrign character in my life....

after that i fell in love in the commonly understood meaning ... i loved this lady and she didnt love me back .. typical .... :) .... but with her there was a difference .. she strove me to achieve things that i had never imagined myself capable of while the earlier had shown me the passion to do things that i loved to do .. was good at and enjoyed ... they both taught me some of the best lessons in life and i have no illwill towards either of them in my heart ..... there were moments of euphoria followed by trials by tears ... but life wove its pattern as i went by and by .....

till now i refer to the love that is measureable in the terms of your endearment to a person .... but now i seek to shift a little .... what i had truly loved .. about myself.

I love to write .. and sometimes this book has heard my rants about now being able to ....

though ive acheived a lot more in life than i thought i could .... being the looser that i was ,,, ive lost something along the way ..

an thi is the part of me .. that was a romantic .. the part of me that could just stare at the sun for hours and still be mesmerised day after day .. night after night i longed to write about the legends of the moon and hours i idled by just driving through these beautifull lands we live in ... i didnt study too much .. i was not "professional" .. i wasnt a musician preaching to a choir that i wanted to adore me .. i was just an idiot with a guitar n his room who just loved to sldie his fingers down the wooden beauty as she sang to him tunes he heard only in his head ..... i was the looser who drifted off into vallinor at the mention of the name of the girl i loved ... i was the londer who would don his mask and get lost inside the crowd .. not as one of them ... but simply as a ghost who people forget to acknowledge ...

i was the man who had known the road to power and given up on it .... destroyed his future for the sake of the ideals he believed in .... loved and lived a life and lived a life that brought me immeasureable pain .... someone who threw his little bit of earned money to see someone else smile .... money was just another toy to enjoy ...... a ma lost in his thoughts .. in his writings .. in his legends and mysteries .... not caring aobut what hte world thought of him but caring deeply about what his friends thought of him ..... a lost cause ... a rebel .. an fool .. a loner ... a looser

and he was happpppppy ..........even when he was sad.

Then came the next phase .... I got my act together ... participated in competitions .. did well ... foudns out i still had the gift of gab i once possessed ... traded my writing gift for a new parchament ..... got better grades ... stopped playing music and started writing music ..... stopped reading his old philosophers, tolkien and russians and instead read chetan bhagat and j k rowling. ... went to different cities .. worked for different people .. made contacts ..lost friends ... got popular ... was recognised for his work .... won some accolades ... people came to him for help .... and he helped them .... he didnt care about what 'that girl' was thinking about him .. still dressed sloppy but a little more formally so he felt good about himself .... he was a better son than before ... afterall he seemed to exist for a purpose ... had his heart broekn by the girl who got him into this world and he suffered for a while and then came out of his remorse to win the world anew ... he came on top wherever he tried and he still wages battles ............................................................. he is more successfull than he ever thought he would be .... he isnt sad ... but he isnt happy either ............. he cant write.... he doesnt enjoy music like he did ...

its a sad life .... a lonely life .... a successfull life(somewhat)

and into this world came this ... person ... and she changed him in a different way ... she didnt make him set goals or do things ...... he was doing all the things in the second phase of his life .. but he enjoyed being around her so much .. it felt like he was his old self again ..... and i wont write much write now ... because i feel this is the start of something that i would want to write when i can write like the old times again .... this might be .. something to really believe in ... somehow i feel i can yet be redeemed

Love can mess you up ... big time.......

and in ways, manners and at tiems that you could never imagine ...

Here i was .. thinking idbeen cheated out of emotions by life .. thinking that this one woman had trammled my soul so down deep into the eart hthat it was almost impossible for me to feel any emotions ......

well she called ... then i called ... we talked ... we chatted .... we laughed ... we hada good time

Still no emotions .. all seems to be going as expected...

then enters into picture the little lady ..... all of a sudden .. like a powerblast that knowcks the wind out of me .. i thought id faded her out of my life for my own good ... it seems not ... it seems that some people you can try to forget .. but your heart never wanders away from them .... its like theyre part of the air you breathe everyday ... and since youve been doing it over and over again for the hwole of your life .. you dont realise it until you do realise it ........... for no rhyme and reason ... this little lady ... can shatter me deep ... destroy my show of exuberence and confidence ....

how around her .. i jsut turn into a little guy ..... wodnering where hes at .. wondering if she didnt trerat him right if he didnt treat her right .... knwoing that theres always that little tension tying the two souls together .. knwoing that ill always be jealous of every eye that lands on her .... knowing that i can be happy away from her ... knowing that she can .. and does ... push something in my mind that brigns back all these memories ... knowing that she cares for me ... knwoing that she will forgive my mistakes for my past graces ...... and i feel guilty for taking advantage of that .............. and then i feel sad .... not depressed ... but on the verge of the cliff and not exactly falling off ... its the one split econd before the fall when ur just staring into the deaths of the abyss and trying to conure into your mind what will happen to you when you do fall ..........

somehow knowing that shed rather spend tiem with her other friend .. who cares more for her than me ............. a fact ........... kills me deep inside .........i dont give a fuck about her boyfriend .......... somehow ... that epic line i once said but never believed reverbarates in side my head again and again like a roar ........ "it hurts so much more to loose then friend in you than the girl i loved" ................. here is the one girl .. who can somehow arouse any emotions in me ........ someone who can touch my heart with a single smile and suddenly i know im alive ........... pain makes you feel so alive ............ she takes me for all that i am .. an idiotic possesive uncaring lunatic ........... and she cares ... even if not like she once did .... but then ..... i odnt even deserve that ..........

i really dont know whats the point of this rant .................. is it that i wanna get with her .... i guess not .... that would never work and shed never want me if i did ............. no .. somehow .. the relationship angle isnt hte one thats btoehring me .. and i dont really know what is ..... its a little nagging sensation in my head .. that keeps tellign me .. im close to finding out whats bothering me ...........................

is the fact that i dont take care of her like i once did ............. maybe .... is it because im jealous of her BF .... i hardly believe that ... i dont care about him .... i am jealous .. but barely ... its not like if she were single id be kneeling down before her .. atleast i think not .......

is it the fact that im jealous of this new friend of hers ......... ive always been more jealous of her Best Friends than anyone hwo was into her ... got no other boyfriends ever xcpt ayaz for me to be jealous of so i really dont know ................ but what i do know is ... im more ... i guess

i guess im JUST FUCKIN PISSED AT MYSELF FOR LETTING THINGS GET THIS WAYYY!!!!!!

If i wanted distance then why am i fucking them up now ..... but more importantly ........... if i did illtreat her .... why the fuck did i do that .......... and what am i gonna do now .......................

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


FUCK!!
FUCK!!!
FUCK!!!!

i dont deserve my kiddo .... and i miss her .... and i hate myself .......... thankgod no one reads this goddamned journal xcpt u 3-4

I am ... the stuppidest man i know!!!

and thas no understatememnt ...

the reason for my latest oneliner express-all-emotion statement is Jayati .... kiddo

she treats me with such respect and caring .... she takes care of me .. show wworries about me .. makes me feel good ... does so much for me .. .trusts me ... shes my best friend .. my soulmate .... one of the few people who gets me ..... understands me from top to bottom .. she bears with me through all my idiotic habbits and frustrating tantrums ... and what do i do .. i go and bang hte phone on her .... that too when shes telling me a problem she has ....

i get overbearingly jealous of every guy in her life ..... its not her fault ... and even if it was i have no right ot burden her with all of my stupidity .................

ufff.... right now i jsut cant express all that i feel better than jsut shouting it again and again and again in my head... that i am. . by far .. the stuppidesst and most idiotic and msot FULL-OF-SHIT person i have ever knw or will encounter ... amen

Frustrated man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 its so infuriating .. when your friends just bail on you .. the people you thought were gonna be with you forever .. and then they just turn aroun and never even notice ur not around ..................

she ... well i htought we could be friedns forever ... or pretty long anyway .... and now .. not only has she stopped caring but shes even blocked me out .. cant even take 5 minutes out in a day .......... shit ... and i trusted her nd what not ... maybe im overreacting .. maybe im jsut acting liek a dork .... maybe u cant undestand what im really going through coz i cant tell u the story ... there is that little privacy thing that holds these instances confidential na ..... but all in all ... i can just say this

i feel betrayed ............. like u took our friendship and stabbed it .. over and over again .. and then walked away not even remmembering any of it ...

As he drove into the patio he noticed the moon gliding behind the dark blue clouds again. It had been doing that all night now ,, now you see it now you dont ... flirting with his mind . .. almsot teasing him to dare and find it. Its funny how u can see the shadow of a woman in almost everything around you .. even when ur not hinking about her.

He let the car be there, hed put it in the garage in the morning. As he got out of it though he couldnt help but smile at some memories that were quietly creeping back into his mind. Teasing little sensations that you learn to live with or theyd crush you to your grave.

He finally got out and unlocked the door. It seemed the maid had been about her business, the place was spotless, certainly not hte way he had left it earlier that day, or was it yesterday.. he didnt know nor care.

The alcohol was slowly settling down in his veins and he could feel its presence as he walked swinging from side to side to the his room. But sleep was not his tonight. he kept tossing in bed like a fifteen year old with a crush. You wanna think about it but you dont know what it is. But as the mood glided between the curtains and onto his face he took it to be a sign and walked out on to the balcony. A slight breeze was blowing and it made him feel chilly on the outside but his blood seemed to be burning with a rage of its own. Everythign made him feel uneasy. 

He poured out a glass of bourbone from the cabinet by his bed and felt it flowing down till he could almost feel it in his soul. But the uneasy feeling did not subside. 

Our man closed his eyes and tried to relax under the starlight and let the salty night breeze take care of everything for him. He tried to recall all the points he had to get cleared at the meeting tomorrow. He tried to imagine that girl he had met at his friends party a few hours ago but his mind didnt seem to be agreeing with his brain. Nothing made sense.

That was it, he knew what he had to do. 

It had been ages ... months ,, maybe years.

He quickly got off from his chair and rushed upstairs into the attic where he was sure hed find it. THe lightbulb msut have blown a fuse but he continued to rummage in the dark, aided by the flirtatious cupid that was the moon. 

A box of old ledgers soon lost its place and a stack of newspapers followed in its path.

And there it lay, quietly in the corner looking almsot as good as it had fifteen years ago when he had bought it. He couldnt notice any rust in that dark.

Going back into his bedroom he found a small drawer hidden well within his closet that no one knew about. he took it out and placed it on his bed. The moonlight was jsut perfect as it reflected off the little steel box that he was looking for. Opening it he saw a picture of hers that he had attached to the inside of the box and suddenly it was like a huge weight had been lifted from his chest and he could breathe normally again. That uneasy feeling just drifted away as quickly as it had crept into him.

And there wiith the photographs of that lady were the words to a song he had sung to himself on countless nights as he lay alone in bed or drove on his bike or car .. words that he had written but never really told her of. Choking down all his emotions jsut to keep her a bit happier. Love can be mean ... but not without a reason .. even if its painfull.

He too out the pages but didnt need to read them to know hte words, theyd been etched in his mind the day he scribbled them after crying over her ... how his new friends would be shocked to know this man had once cried over a woman .... theyd never believe it.

He walked out into the blacony and suddenly the paper flew out of his hands and into flew away with the wind into the misty seas ...............

and he let it fly .. let the world know of my love ....

and quietly that man sat down on the floor and played a tune he had once written for someone special ... he didnt notice how hte rusted strings cut his fingers till they bled .. he didnt notice that there were tears flowing down his eyes again after all these years .... he didnt notice that he really wasnt singing .. jsut mumbling ... because in his mind .... he was laughing and crying ... singing the song for the girl he loved .... then and forever...

Lost in this grey shaded world ... cant help but think twice ....

whats the reason for which we keep dragging on ... a lost life .. of pointless strife

Lost and lonely ... whats my purpose .. for this life of mine ...

and then i looked up .. into the shadows of her eyes ...

pools of mystic blue ... those eyes shining in that prettiest of hue's

singing in the tempered light .. tales of fire and ice ......

lying and living in disguise ...

but all the while .. lost deep in those dark pools ... is the elixir for my life

All my hate creeps away .. at just the thought of your smile ..

and i cant help but wonder .. is this what those bards of yore sang of

when they told ere tales ... of sleepless nights and wingless flights ...

of loosing ones soul in the chasms of delight .. to be found only in your eyes .. as i stare into your soul and show you mine ...

that slight mix of pleasure and pain .. the true taste of life ...

the source from which i only gain .. the memories to live any life by .......

.........

o when even your own thoughts are no longer yours and you seem indebted for life .....

o when just a smile is what u need to live another day by ...

such ...

thanks to you .. is my life :)

You have one of those days ... where its all ... i dont have a word to describe what i mean .. so just read on ..................

Its been over a years ince ive felt this way about you ... ive seen you through all this time ... seen u smile .. havent seen u cry .... seen u angry .. seen u sad ... saw how u can get bothered ... and how sometimes ... you might even let a friend hold your hand and cool you down ... seen u get what you desrve .. seen u fly ... shared ur dreams .... dreamt for you .. and with you .... felt your hand on my shoulder when i needed someone to guide me ............... seen you through pleasure and pain ... how you battle with the world for whats yours and whats right ..... how ur so sweet and delicate but strogner than i ever can be ... or anyone else ............ heard fear in your voice and acceptance of my flaws ... how u hardly ever judged me for all these flaws that i have ... and still patiently stood by my side when i needed you ........... of the day i told you ....... of how your the only girl who makes me cry .... the girl who gave me all that i wanted in life .. short of her acceptance .. and her love ..........  now i know what brings out the best in me ....... for giving me a new leash on life .... and a way to look at things and survive them like id never known before ......

its weird how i cna never get angry at you ... and how i always miss u .. even when ur right in front of my eyes .......... how i jsut want to hold u tight in my arms once and kiss you goodbye ....... how every night when i go to sleep ur the one i pray for .......  ur the one who haunts my dreams and makes it impossible for any opther girl to measure up to your standards ...........

i remmeber ... how exited id get .. writing those poems for you ... that little sonnet with the pink socks and the ivory towers ....... how i care only about your happiness .. even if it means i get out of your way and let someone else take the place i was hoping to be in ....... how u make me .. lamost invulnerable .............. its weird coz sometimes i just want to make u such a big part of my life and leanr all about you ............ how once truly i can shout out to the world and say .... i loved that girl ..................

how i jsut want to dedicate my life to you ............ dearest of all my friends ... the person i respect the most ... and i wish i can always keep u happy and safe ... and ....................... smiling

i just remmbered those nights wed spend talking ... about our lives ... of people and death .... travel and food and lessons we've learnt ...... talkign to you ... when i could forget all my problems ..and laugh with you ..... for horus without end ... feel free ... be myself ... be scolded ... be laughed at ... be pampered .... and pamper yo ualong the way .............. how can anyone say i cant miss u ... do i even need to say that i do ..... miss you...

my life is dedicated to you .... my soul is your shrine .......... ur image is in my mind .. the purest of bliss ... and ...................................................

i love you my lovely lady :)