you know...
i thought i had found her..
my inspiration../the elusive spirit that owuld put an end to my miseries i tho upon myself. someone who would help me sort out who i am.....

but guess what..no such thing...
shes hardly even aware of my existence...
and why should she be anyway..who am i really..a nothing..a non existent person as far as she is concerned.

i need to gain my self respect back...its been years now...when will i reegain the reins......
ive ben reeling around like a loose spirit for years now..i need to figure it all out and get down to my life again...
i need t understand who i really am...

i need to find me

Shame can eat you hollow. It swirls like a sick acid in your insides, eating away the essence that was you...what used to be you anyway. It makes you hate the one person you need to be the most honest with, the one person who needs to respect you the most and the one person who might understand the best, yourself.
But what will you do if u lie in self contempt and disgrace. when the very essence of your survival, your honour is assaulted by your own actions. When you let situations and emotions haunt you so much that you become a useless little slob.
What would you do if the person you respected the most, the person you rever and look upto; might start hating you and look down upon you in contempt. when that person cant even stand talking to you and all you do is sit with your face burried in your hands.

shame can eat you alive, specially when your idol herself casts you down...


im sorry **.

Inspiration...thats the missing ingredient in my life
Once she went out and so did everyone else who was adding to the trash in my brain..i seem to have lost track of where my life's headed..
earlier everything was done keeping her in mind..i had to get a job so that this and go to this city so that that...or save money for her and this and god knows what not

but now that our "relation" is severed i get the feeling that I'm a free man..but I've lost direction on the road i was traveling
i don't know my priorities in life and I've lost the biggest inspiration a man can have
I'm like a ball rolling along without a purpose not knowing where to stop or slow down or turn..... every thing's just another continuation of the present now........confusion persists in everything.

I don't know what i want to do for a living or what my lifestyle should be like..what my academic and my personal priorities should be and i havent take nthe time out ot figure it out..even though i had enough time..

was t because i was too confused to understand this in my brain or maybe i was too scared of the fact that such a mess was present in my mind when i was telling myself all the time that all my troubles and hurdles are now gone.. I'm a free man.
I'm a free man without a road to travel on.................

i need to slow down and take count....need to understand what i want and what i should do...but everything around me is happening so fast...i have goals i want to achieve right now or goals for the future..but they conflict with other incoming ideas or in other cases i dont knwo how i am to end up achieving these goals.............

im sick of this blog

i think ill delete it or continue ignoring it like i was for so many days

someone told me its best notto del your blogs...might repent later.......i think ill heed her advice(yes yet again a female..)

The Captain

The moonless night glittered with a splendor of stars as only a celestial miracle can. The darkness of the night gave the place an eerie stillness. a feeling of impending doom. A feeling of death as the winds slowly caressed the small trees and the bushes, their leaves rustling in that winter like chill.
as the clouds covered a notch more of the sky the guards relaxed a little more and got even more lost in their rum and Kaef. the effervescence of the kaef was spread all over the camp and the drunk soldiers swayed in the grasp of the strange magic.

It's scent slowly spread over the whole area as the wind carried it along in its open arms. It's smell caused the trees to wilt and the birds to flutter. the smell soon spread to a small cluster of trees to the southern end of the camp. Something stirred in those trees as the smell came closer.
A command was given and half the soldiers in hiding went to the other side of the camp, slowly crawling on their bellies. these were mostly archers.

The others stood in their place and looked at the creatures in the near distance. Almost all of them looked drunk. They rarely encountered a group of such strength so far from the Ansh-Bhram, the home of the fire-bred.The Tarkein were almost two hundred in number and the soldiers of Blez were outnumbered two is to one. but they had the element of surprise and preparedness. the Tarkein were mostly asleep ,too drunk to fight or both.

the captain of the guards stood close to a dark willow that smelled of rotting. The archers on the far side set themselves up in position and waited for the signal. the moonless night gave them an advantage they would use to the fullest. the spearmen crept close to them finally sitting crouched right in front of them, forming a guarding circle. The wind slowed down for sometime.The attack was ready to be launched, all they needed was the signal from the captain.

And he gave it.

Suddenly thirty archers let loose their arrows into the stillness of the night and as quick as possible reloaded new arrows onto their crossbows. their arrows fell on sleeping Tarkein and those awake. Almost every Tarkein who had been standing was shot down. Those asleep quickly woke up on hearing the cries of the others. but the second rain of arrows caught them right where they were. those who survived got up and drew arms. their cuthroat and axes ready to slice. the night was no problem for them. They could see better than most humans in the dark. the whole camp rushed to the north from where the arrows kept raining, saving themselves with their long metal shields.

They charged towards the archers like a clan of wolves, hollering murderous cries in the cold dark night. the power of their charge shaking the earth and the trees together into a frenzy. their shining red eyes baying for blood and murder. The tarkein were monsters and they would prove it again.

The cry of the Tarkein was only poerced by the shout of the sword and spar bearing captains guards on the southern end of the camp who had so far remained still. they hurled spear into the backs of the surprised and yet again shocke tarkein as the spearmen with the archers kept them at bay from the archers who still flew an arrow into every gap they could manage.

Soon the fight was over. A majestic victory for the Captain who took the head of his enemy captain as his trophy back to his camp further south. He had heard aobut this tarkein cam in he evening and before daybreak it was his. He was satisfied with his small skirmish. This would Zaran not to send his men too far in to his realm. The captain had his men pile up the bodies in one big stack and had them burned along with all of their Kaef. That evil yellow he was scared so of.

and while he basked in self-glory a man watched from a distance as his plan fell into place.

To the people who haven't, id like you to read this blog first. i think my most personal and driven thing I've ever written.






http://vallinor.blogspot.com/2006/07/utopia.html


Thanks.

"im thirst for your love..dancing underneath th skies of lust"

love and lust can make you do crazy things.....im obsessed with love....it defines me....
i guess thats just the most repetitive line of all my entires.......it defines me....angel,,,thas what i used to call her...still rem when i had first talked to her...properly...
her voice..it was like a thousand chimes singing in harmony with the rain laden wind...
her stare as she stood silently was like the glimmer of a million stars..all sparkling in a perfect sky as the sun set in a rise..and the rainbow suddenly jumped out of nowhere.....
the luciosu curve of her lips as she said hi...the rare moment in life when i was suddenly deaf..adn then back to normal..listenin to her beautifull voice..as it seared through my brain...burning me into a lust i did not know i could posses..
lust not of the skin..lust of the high..the highg of love....its worse than any drung youve ever heard of ...
once youve just felt it...jsut seen it..you ache for it...you cant stay alive without htinking about it every 3.09757 seconds..
its the dominant ..the prima...the Sngular thought that keeps churning in your mind....

man.....that day...when i had met her properly for the first time...she ..she was an angel...i saw her on her balcony.....flexing as the wind rustled through her dress and the setting sun shone on her beautifull face...a glory to the beauty god could create..only once..
the tender dance of the wind as it flirted around her body..the cloth flapping in the wind...teasing me for another glance of her face......
i caressed the wind as it slowly brough a scent of her to me..a scent so divine that no words can define it..
the king of all drugs.,..just once single sniff and i was captivated.....
why....why did i fall in love.!!!
too late now...its already done...(forget for a moment the tragedy and live on the beauty that can make you survive)........she came gliding down the slope of the road..walking ..or gliding on it..i could not see what...i was trasfixed on her face
on beauty...divine...the feeling of love as it surged through my body...tearing my muscles into a mass of liquid tension..my knees buckled and i almost fell.....
ill tell ya more someday later......right now i think ill jsut go and kill myself....
signed -
a lover forever in love with the one person he cannot have